When I was young, love seemed to be simple. You meet the one who was made for you, fall in love, get married, live happily ever after. Cute, is not it? Then as my unsuspecting self traveled towards adolescence, leaving the boyhood behind, things started becoming complicated.
I met the one. We fell in love, talked about marriage, started brainstorming the names for our kids, and broke up. Then I met someone else. This time, I knew it was her. We went on dating for 5-years before splitting up.
It left me heartbroken. I felt like I’ll never be happy again. Then, finally, I met the one who was (really) chosen for me. Being with her filled me with feelings I didn’t I could feel. Life felt like a melodic anime movie. Wherever we went, the sun felt soft, the sky was cloudy, and blossoms danced with the breeze. I knew, in my heart, she was the one.
Long story short, at the beginning of 2018, roughly after six months of the relationship, she got engaged — to someone else. And she forgot to break up or inform me about it. When I came to know about it, the shock sucker-punched me straight to the chamber of a therapist.
Now, it was not just some questionable choice of partners. Something was deeply wrong with my conception of love and relationship. Ironically, the act of infidelity came as a blessing in disguise. Without it, I might not have met my therapist. And if I had not met her, I would never know how I was falling prey to my own expectations.
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Our Expectation About Love Is Often Not Realistic
People love to talk about love. Correction: people love to talk about how love will change their lives — what they want from it.
No, it’s not a bad thing. When it comes to love, you should be aware of your requirements.
However, it is too easy for expectations to precede the boundaries of realism. Moreover, like fire, it keeps growing with time. We ask, ask, and ask for more. Eventually, the relationship crumbles under the weight of our hungry desires.
All of it starts with this damned piece of question. “What is love? What does it truly mean?”
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1. Your definition of love isn’t the only one out there
There can be many forms of love. Your affection for your pawed friend is quite different from your passion for songs. Your craving for that extra pepperoni pizza is not the same as your appreciation for the sprinkling droplets of rain on a scorching afternoon. And even when it strictly comes to romantic relationships, it is not any easier to comprehend.
To those who are in love, it’s the best thing ever. For someone with a broken heart, it is nothing but a scam. Go, ask a religious man, and you’ll know love is God’s plan, leading to marriage. To a man of science, love is just a chemical reaction in the cerebral cortex, necessary for regeneration.
The bottom line is, your definition of love isn’t likely to be identical to that of the people you meet.
To you, love might mean staying together all the time. To others, space might be a necessary element of a relationship. You might think you are right and others are wrong. In reality, both views are correct.
Therefore, forcing someone to change his/her views would be pretty ignorant, self-seeking, and unattractive.
— “So, how to get by this issue?”
It starts with acknowledging and respecting others’ perceptions. Though it is rare to find someone who shares the same view on love as yours, you will find people whose ideas are similar and compatible. If you want to go for the long game, the key is to be pragmatic instead of whimsical. You might feel ecstatic being with someone initially. But if your views do not match, you will have difficulty making it work.
2. We want to be understood without having to explain ourselves
Illustrated by the author using Canva
One of the key reasons we want a relationship is our need to be accepted, appreciated, approved, attended to. In short, we want to be understood.
Again, there is nothing wrong with this need. While spending a lifetime with someone, you share your deepest thoughts, feelings, sensations, and secrets with them. You want to be vulnerable to that one person.
And when you share that much, somewhere in your mind, you expect a telepathic connection. You want the other person to read you even when you are not exactly opening up.
How often do you hide your emotions when the other person ends up hurting you without realizing it? Why do you that? Do you expect them to figure it out on their own? Let me guess, most times, they fail. Now what? You suppress your emotion. Months later, during any conflict or argument, you let out all your frustration. You feel justified. Blaming the other person without giving any scope of correction seems right. Here, you would be wrong.
David Ludden, Ph.D.: professor of psychology at Georgia Gwinnett College, recognizes clear communication as the first and foremost tool to resolve conflict and rekindle kinship. He also quotes:
“Effective communication in a relationship conflict requires a high degree of self-awareness, as well as an objective understanding of your partner’s personality.”
According to Healthline & Better Health Channel, if you wish to work on your communication, the following steps will come in handy.
- Process your thoughts: Before communicating with your spouse about an issue, be sure to think about your feelings. Do it with a sense of calm.
- Make time for it: Make sure that the timing of the conversation is right. If you push someone to have a conversation when that person has bigger fish to fry, you will end spoiling the talk and the fish at the same time.
- Speak clearly & honestly: People tend to have different communication styles. Therefore, you must be clear when communicating with your partner. Double-check if you are not leaving out things.
- Listen patiently: While listening to your partner, I want you to notice something important. Are you listening so you can throw in a reply? Or are you listening to understand his/her perception? If you are doing the former one, you are doing t wrong.
3. Your happiness and self-worth is not limited to your relationship
Break-up hurts, does not it? Well, you cannot work your way around the pain of losing someone you love. However, if you have a hard time coping up even after an extended period signifies a bigger problem.
It means you have wrongfully associated your self-worth with the other person. This problem has been there from the beginning. The break-up isn’t the issue here.
Often when we get into a relationship, we put the other person on a pedestal. We think they are better than us. Hence, being with them adds some irreplaceable worth to our existence. Soon, this very notion leads us to believe our happiness is our partners’ responsibility. That there is a lethal delusion.
According to Assael Romanelli, Ph.D.: a professional Couple & Family Therapist, such a core belief can produce the following consequences:
- You inadvertently end up putting an unrealistic amount of weight on the shoulders of your partner.
- You become sensitive to even their tiniest mishaps. As a result, the barrage of your complaints
- keeps on growing.
- They stop being honest with you in fear of endangering your peace of mind.
- It lowers the authenticity, intimacy, and vulnerability of the relationship.
- Eventually, they stop enjoying your company and the relationship.
Therefore, if you are looking for your own happiness in your spouse, you are doing it all wrong. If you want it to work, you have to release them from that responsibility.
Okay. Let’s get it out of the way. Here is the truth. We are responsible for our own happiness. Our sense of worth isn’t out there. Instead, it is within us. It is not only ignorant to put so much on our partners, but it is also unfair.
“When you become stable in your source of happiness and realize that you are responsible for yourself, then you can move on to the next step of your relationship and find true love between each other.”
So am I saying your partner doesn’t or shouldn’t affect you emotionally? No, I am not saying that.
We love them. When they hit a rough patch, we will feel terrible. When they do well for themselves, we will feel glad. If they get mad at us (justified or not), it will break our hearts. When they do something special for us, it will fill our souls. Yes, they will play their part in our happiness. But the keyword is ‘part’ here.
There is a pretty thick line between being emotionally connected and being overly dependent.
When our smiles come together, it is the connection. On the other hand, blaming the other person for not bringing the smile I was hoping for will be torture.
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A Concluding Note:
The goal is not to kill your expectations. Instead, it is about expecting better. And if you wish to set a more lucid and grounded set of expectations, you must kill off the unrealistic ones.
Otherwise, these unreasonable demands will keep you trapped inside the bubble of your inept perception of self-importance. That is not notably an ideal spot to be in if you wish to make a relationship work.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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The post 3 Expectation Blunders That Make You an Annoying Partner appeared first on The Good Men Project.